I guess I'll just let it all pour out, or let as much pour out as will fall.
My heart is aching and my mind is just such a mess right now. How do we bare the loss of Hank? How does any parent bare the loss of their child? Yes, I know, one day at a time, one moment at a time, one breath at a time. One ragged breath at a time. And we are doing it. One flippin' day at a time.
Hank's dad Marty and I plan to spend the next two days supporting each other on this marking of a year around the sun since our boy flew away, and it's just a muddled mess in my brain because it's leap year. Hank passed away on March 1st but it feels like tomorrow, February 29 is really the anniversary of his death. And what does it matter really? And yet it does. Dear Lord.
I would love to make this an uplifting post, and maybe I can a little bit. Maybe I can talk about the fact that Marty and I are living as fully as we can. The fact that what feels like electric shocks of the reality of Hank being gone still all but throw me across the room has not stopped me, has not stopped us, from really trying to stay in the game, because Hank would have it no other way.
Hank was a joy seeker. When he woke up in the morning it was as if he had never been asleep. He would make his beautiful sounds and grab his favorite book and just have at it. He knew that we would do everything possible to give him the best day possible. He just trusted that and hit the ground running (metaphorically of course because he couldn't physically run). But man did that boy run with everything else in him. He just pointed his heart in the direction of joy and worked out a way to get to it.
My prayer for myself is that I can continue to try my best to take a page from Hank's joy book, yet my mind still goes to those last days of his beautiful life and how much I miss him. I just want to see him and hold him, and tell him that I love him more than anyone or anything else in the whole wide world and I always, always will. (I actually used to say that to him all the time. Along with some really ridiculous things that we both loved like, "You are the king-a-me of my thing-a-me," and made up songs that came from God knows where in my imagination. But he loved them, and he would smile so big that I would tell him to be careful or he would swallow his head.)
Hank loved my ridiculousness. He got me, and I didn't ever have to be anything other my complete and total self with him...always. I love him for that. I love him for everything.
The other day a friend told me to keep crying because my tears are drops of love. And last night my friend Heather was praying with me and she said that God was putting all of my tears in a jar because that's how precious they are to him. And she cried right along with me. How can I not be grateful?
And I am, grateful I mean. I will never find the words to express my gratitude that I was given Hank to mother. He was the best partner I ever had. He strengthened me with his courage, his love, his persistence, and his laughter. He was my rock and my joy, and there is no measure for all that he did for me. I will try always, through my sadness, to remember how grateful I am that he was born to me.
Well, there you have it. I can't write any more. But I will say that I deeply appreciate all of you who will read this, and all of you in my life who have given me such incredible love and support this year. I guess Hank's words cannot be said too much..."Love wins".
Off I go to put a few more tears in my jar, then off I'll go to find a bit of Hank-joy. I'll keep doing my best, one day at a time because yes, Hank would have it no other way.
Love to you all,
Maureen
Thank you for sharing.
Love Wins...Hank. ❤️
I still hear his good-bye kiss to me………
Love does win.
There are no words.
You have said them all, with such love, such meaning such emotion
Hank will forever be in so many hearts.
I never met Hank but I felt like I knew him, through you, your beautiful words of him and all the live you shared, with him and through him.
God Bless You, Maureen.
I have learned that it's ok to cry. I believe when you cry, you are speaking to God with your tears.
Hank is forever with you and Marty. And all you both do to keep his memory alive is what Hank would want.
Thank you for sharing your stories with us.
I need to go grab me a tissue now.
Sending hugs...xoxo
Sue Sprague